I know that part of my issue is steming from the smoking thing.  Okay, a big part.  I’m trying to quit, and I really want to quit.  But a part of me is holding back.  I’m not really enjoying the ones I smoke, so why do I continue to do it?  Because even though I knew IT would happen, even though I told myself I could deal with IT, I wasn’t really prepared for the side effects that quitting smoking would bring about.

What is IT you ask?  Mindless eating.  Eating instead of smoking.  For the most part, my snack attacks have been the healthier variety.  But this past weekend, I totally fell off the wagon.  I don’t take cheat days, because I have issues with getting back on plan.  Even though my healthy food taste better than the high fat variety I indulge in on a cheat day, once I cheat it’s like I can’t stop myself.  I decided to have a cheat day Friday that wound up being an entire cheat weekend. 

Well guess what?  I jumped on the scales this moring and I have gained 4 lbs.  SINCE FRIDAY!!!!!!  Please don’t tell me it is probably water, although some of it may be.  I made poor food choices; I over ate; I snacked mindlessly; and I didn’t workout at all.  I did this to myself.

And I’m not dealing with this very well.  I lost it tonight.  My poor hubby held me once again as I sobbed uncontrollably into his shirt.  I have worked too damn hard to lose what little weight I have to gain it back!  I don’t know if I can lose weight and quit smoking at the same time!  I know other people do it, but I don’t know if I can do it. 

I feel so stressed.  I’m a bitch to everyone around me.  Even though I know I’m just being a bitch, I can’t seem to stop myself.  I want to eat everything I can get my hands on.  I have tried gum, suckers, hard candy.  I wind up putting off eating, but eventually I eat.  I have used nicotine lozenges and the patch and have to say they have really helped with the physical part, but the emotional part is still there.  And to be honest, that’s the really hard part.

I want so badly to lose this weight.  I don’t want to be so overweight that my knees hurt and I feel miserable.  I want to buy clothing that looks good on me.  I want to be able to play with my daughter without being exhausted after a few minutes.  I’m in tears again as I type this.  And I know you guys understand what I’m talking about. 

I know this weight is not going to fall off of me.  I understand the math behind it.  I respect that totally.  I know it’s a journey that is many miles long.  I’m prepared for that long journey.  But why does it have to come back so easy?  Yes, I screwed up.  But why do I have to work 2-3 weeks to lose 4 lbs just to gain it back it 3 days?

We bought a second hand treadmill this weekend to replace my old dinosaur that died.  Guess what?  I’m to fat for it!!  Seriously, the weight limit is suppose to be 250, but it barely crawls if I try to walk on it.  My 100 lb daughter can walk on it just fine.  Hubby contacted the lady and you know what she said, “Sorry, but it worked when you left with it.”  My hubby explained to her that yes it did work, but I couldn’t use it because of my weight which is why I wanted it and she could probably sell it to someone smaller.  But she just said, “I can’t help you.  You bought a used treadmill.”  Of course, when she was trying to make the sell she “only used it like 10 times ever.” Now that something is wrong with it, it’s a used treadmill. 

I need some help guys.  I need someone to help me design an exercise program that I can do at home.  I don’t have the option of going to a gym and  I really don’t know what to do.  I just sorta do what I feel like doing, and that’s not working because if I don’t “feel” like doing anything, I don’t.  If anyone is willing to help me out, please comment or message me.

See, Tuesday I took Alissa to get her eyes checked.  Every year, she fails the vision screening at school and every year I take her to the eye doctor.  And every year he tells us she has 20/20 vision and he doesn’t understand why she keeps failing the eye screening at school.  Well, she failed it again this year and I was like, “NO, I am not taking her to the dr. again.  We have to pay out the butt for him to tell us she can see perfectly fine.”  Because our insurance only covers vision test once every two years and we used the free one last year.  Anyway, I didn’t take her. 

Then last week one of her teachers e-mails me and said (and I am actually quoting here) “Have you noticed that Alissa can’t see the board?”  My first thought was, “Yes, all those times I was teaching your students in your classroom I noticed that my child couldn’t see.”  I’m a bit of a smartass if you didn’t already know that.  My second thought was, “Yes, I know my child is having trouble seeing, but choose not to do anything about it.”  I can be a smartass on so many levels.

Anyway, I made her an appointment to see a different eye doctor.  Tuesday was the appointment.  As I sat in the Dr. office and watched my little girl only be able to read the big E, I could feel my resolve not to smoke crumble.  How could I possibly not know that my baby couldn’t see any better than that?  See where the Mommy guilt comes in? 

I felt like such a terrible mother.  But I didn’t smoke that day, only because she was with me and she wants me to quit smoking so badly.  The next day, she woke up sick and wound up staying at home with my hubby.  I had already missed a day of work the day before, so we decided that he would keep her.  So she wasn’t with me on the 30 min commute to school.  And you guessed it, I broke.  I bought a pack of smokes.  The first one tasted like crap.  so I smoked another, and another, and another.  And now that don’t taste so bad anymore.

Well, actually I only smoked a couple on Wednesday.  Then I smoked a few more on Thursday, and then yesterday I gave up the pretension of being smoke free all together.  We went to get her glasses yesterday.  More mommy guilt pouring on.  When we walked out of the place with her glasses on and she started reading every sign, once again I felt like the worst mom ever.  And the desire to smoke become overwhelming. 

But I am going to beat this thing.  It is not going to beat me.  I’m just going to have to start all over.

As far as the cheat day, I had one yesterday.  I don’t do that often.  And boy did I cheat!  But you know what, except for the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, nothing really tasted that great.  I thought as I ate everything, my low fat varieties taste as good or better.  The Ben & Jerry’s, well that’s another story!

Ohh, and here is a picture of Alissa with her new glasses.  She loves them.  At least she loves actually being able to see!

Doesn’t she have the most beautiful lips?  She gets those from her sperm donor.  Only good thing he gave her!

Sunday was my first day of smoke free.  It went suprisingly well until around 7:00 pm.   Then I had a break down.  I didn’t smoke, but I had an emotional break down.  Uncontrollable crying over the stupidest thing.  Anyway, I got it back together without the aid of a ciggarette and went to bed early.  Craziest thing is I slept better last night than I have in a long time.  Coincendence?

I was really worried about today.  Being at school, with all those kids, can you say STRESS????  But it was okay.  I actually did really well.  And I told my kids up front that I was quitting smoking so that they would understand if I seemed a little short tempered.  They were all sooooo wonderful.  I heard “You can do it,” and “I’m so proud of you,” so many times.  One of my favorites (I know I’m not supposed to have favorites, but I’m human) said, “Mrs. Leona, your a strong person.  I know you can do this.”  It brought tears to my eyes.  But tears of joy that my kid believed in me.  That’s what I call my students.  They are my kids.

I came home and worked out.  The drive home was pretty tough, but bearable.  Then hubby came home and made some stupid comment that pissed me off.  Guess what?  Breakdown again.  The uncontrollable crying was worse than on sunday.  Hubby sat on the bed rubbing my back and just talking about normal everyday stuff until I got it under control.  God Bless him!!! 

Anyway, I’m going to turn in early again.  And I will get back to reading blogs in a day or two.  Just let me get myself under control first.  Right now, I wouldn’t want to read some of the comments I would leave!

I am going to use all of your advice to the best of my ability.  Some of it I am already doing, but some things I hadn’t thought of. 

Alissa enjoys dance, so I am looking into dance lessons to help with the activity.  I’m focusing on eating more fruits and veggies myself, so I’m going to encourage her to do so and really express how healthy they make me feel.  Up until now, I have left my scales out even though I am trying to stay off them.  I wanted to stay off them with will power.  But I think having them sitting in the bathroom is sending a silent message that weight is important.  So I’m hiding them out.  I’m not going to say anything to her about them, but she will notice they are gone so I will explain that it doesn’t matter how much I weigh.  The important thing is that I take care of my body by moving it and eating right. 

Also, a buddy messaged me and expressed thoughts that my daughter may need to speak to someone other than me about the food issues.  Having her be able to talk to me is really important, but I realize that she may need to speak to somone else that is trained in dealing with these issues.  I am going to talk to the school counselor about that.  I have her son in class this year, so we have a good relationship but are not really friends so it won’t be like talking to mommy’s friend.  And Alissa likes her, so maybe she will open up to her.

Another thing I’m thinking about taking on is school food.  Being a faculty member, I know better than most what our kids are eating everyday.  The food is not just less than nutritious, it is primerly highly processed high-fat high-sugar food.  Besides my daughters weight, she is also ADD (but that’s a whole other blog) and these meals are detremential to that as well.  Of course, she could take her lunch every day, and we may do that to ensure that she is eating healthy well-balance meals to benefit both her physical health and mental health.  But what about all the other kids?  They deserve to have healthy nutritious meals also.  So, I have designated myself as the speaker for all children.  Now I just need a plan that doesn’t jeporadize my job. LOL!  Seriously, I do have to figure out how to approach this.  I would like to have a complete plan before going to the powers that be with it.  I have discussed it with my principal and he backs me 100%.  If I come up with a plan, he will help me present it.

On another note, I managed to lose 2 lbs this week!  Yeah me!!!!  I was really scared to get on the scale.  Not because I was “bad,” but TOM showed up Wednesday night with all the crew in tow.  Now I’m retaining water like a diaper, so I’m really looking forward to next weeks weigh in.  As long as I continue rockin’ like I have been, I should have a great weigh in next week.

Sunday is my quit day.  Quit smoking day that is.  Pray for me guys!!  And pray for my poor family.  But I know I can do this!!!!  I managed to finish college, driving 2 hours a day 5 days a week, while working a part time job and raising my baby by myself.  If I can do that, I can do anything. 

 Once again, thanks everyone for the advice and the love!!  You peeps rock!!

 This weight loss journey has been a family affair, but we have been very careful to talk about getting healthy instead of losing weight.  We eat healthy foods and exercise because it is good for our bodies.  I don’t limit my daughters food, but we keep fruits and healthier snacks in the house instead of the high fat high sugar snacks we have always had in the past. 

I have discussed with her that I am overweight and need to lose weight because of my health.  I explained that my weight was causing highblood pressure and aches in my knees and legs.  We don’t make an issue over the scale, but my hubby and I do talk about how much weight we have lost.

Here’s the deal:  I don’t believe in lying to her.  I tell her things straight up.  Although I don’t want her to have a negative self image, I also don’t want her to struggle with her weight all her life as I have.  I don’t want her to continue to develope bad eating habits.  She already has food issues.  And has for a long long time.  We can be eating lunch, and she will ask what is for dinner.  She is a food hoarder.  If she has something, she doesn’t want to share with anyone. 

I really need advice.  How do I deal with this without hurting my baby girl?  How do I help her develope a positive self image, without that self image being tied to how much she weighs?  How do I help her lose weight without making her feel that she needs to lose weight even though she does need to lose weight? 

I don’t think I’m making very much sense, so I hope you guys can understand what I’m asking.  I just need advice.  I don’t want my little angel to think that appearances are the most important thing, but I also want her to value being healthy.  How do you convey that to a child?  How do you say, “It doesn’t matter what you look like.”  And in the next breath tell them “Don’t eat that.”  Not that I tell her that, but I’m sure that is what she hears when I say why don’t you have an apple instead.

I’m open and welcome to all advice.  comment here or message me.  Be blunt and be honest.  You might hurt my feelings, but if it is something that helps my baby, I can take it.

As you can see, I’m going to have my hands full with her in a few years!  She has such an attitude!

We had so much fun doing hers that she wanted to make one of Mommy.  So I sat the camera up for her on a tripod.  It was in my utility room, which is a level down from my kitchen.  Alissa chose all the poses and directed me on what to do.  It was fun, right up until we started editing to combine the shots.  The point when I saw myself captured on digital film.

I have always struggled with my weight.  Well, from puberty on anyway.  I hit puberty pretty young.  I don’t remember ever wearing a size A or B bra.  I went from nothing to size C like overnight.  Being one of the first girls to get a chest in the 5th grade made me really self concious.  It didn’t help that I got teased a lot.  Now I know that those girls that teased me were just jealous, but at the time it hurt.  The boys who teased me, well … we all know what was going on in their minds.  But I didn’t know any of this stuff when I was eleven.  This was probably the point when my self image started really detoriating.  My body self image that is.  And because of the pain of being teased on a daily basis, I turned to food.  Of course I didn’t realize that at the time.  But looking back, I can see it.  I started putting on weight, hitting that chubby stage.  Which just increased the level of teasing.

In high school, I was always the “fat” friend.  Of course, my two best friends were a size zero and a three.  So at a solid size 9, I thought I was huge.  What I wouldn’t give to be that “fat” again.  But I was only a size 9 because of how active I was.  I was a basketball player.  Well, really I was a bench warmer.  But I had to run just like the girls who actually got to play, so even though I had the tendency to be chubby it was controlled by the hundreds of line drills and bleacher zig-zag’s I did. 

My junior year in high school, I quit basketball and started working at a cafe.  Suddenly, I was no longer running for 1-2 hours a day and I was eating lots and lots of bad food.  The weight poured on.  By graduation, I was a size 18.  I doubled my size in 2 years!!! 

I went off to college and lost a little, then gained a lot.  I have no idea how much I weighed when I finally decided to do something about it.  I was 23 and couldn’t walk without losing my breath.  So I started moving, and before long I was power walking 3 miles a day, doing an hour of cardio everyday, and dropping weight like crazy.  After 8 months, I was down to 150 lbs.  I felt fantastic, sexy, beautiful, and ready to take on the world.  I meet my daughters sperm donor and reveled in a forbidden relationship.  Then I got preganant. 

The donor took off, and I was left alone with a baby on the way.  Once again I turned to food.  By the time my daughter was born, I had gained all my weight back.  I finished college when my daughter was nine months old, and by the time she was a year old I was running the cafe I had worked at as a high school student.  But unlike then, I didn’t have time to eat lots of bad food.  The weight started coming off again.

I was about 155 when I meet my wonderful hubby.  He was a customer and a really good one.  He asked me out and didn’t bat an eye when I asked if my 14 month old could go to. Now, before you get upset about me taking my daughter on a date, I didn’t expect him to want to go out when he found out I had a baby.  And we were a package deal.  I always said we were a “Buy One, Get One Free” package.  Any guy who wanted to date me had to want my baby too, or he wasn’t getting anywhere near me.  But he said that sounds great.   We went out to eat (why must all date include dinner) and then played minature golf.  My daughter got car sick and puked in his 1 month old truck.  He called me the next morning to ask how to get the vomit smell out of his truck.  We have been together ever since.  Both of us slowly gaining weight over the last 8 years.

I didn’t intend for this blog to be my life story, but evidently I needed to write it.  The whole reason I started this blog was to tell you about this picture and how it motivated me. 

Even though I have always been the “fat” friend, even though I have struggled with my weight for most of my life, I didn’t really see myself as big as I really am.  When I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see but my mind doesn’t really focus on how large I am.  Something has to trigger that.  Two things are my triggers: 1–Trying on clothes, 2–Seeing pictures of me.

Because I’m the photog of the family, there are not  a whole lot of pictures of me.  So this picture was the first one I had seen in quit a while.  Seeing my butt from someone else’s point of view really woke me up.  But it took six months for me to do something about it.  Well, I had a couple of false starts.  A lot of “I will start Monday.”  What is different now?  You guys.  You keep me motivated.  Your stories inspire me.  You hold me accountable.  You cheer me on.  You give me idea’s.  I am not yet a success story.  But I am on my way. 

Ohh, and the picture that triggered me….

Sadly, these were some of my favorite clothes until I saw this picture.  I have not worn them since.  Today, I was going to put them on again.  I wanted to see if there is a difference.  I was going to set the camera up in the same spot, pose in the same position, with the same clothes on and see if there is a difference in what the camera captures.  But while writing this blog, I decided I don’t need to do that.  Even if I can’t physically see a difference, I know there is one.  The difference is inside me.  The difference is that I can walk up the stairs without becoming winded.  The difference is that I have peanut muscles in my arms.  The difference is that I look forward to working out.  I don’t have to have a number or a picture to tell me that I am becoming healthier.  And instead of going to all the trouble of taking those pictures and editing, I think I’m going to through in an extra work out!

I hope this doesn’t offend anyone on the atkins diet, but I personally think that has to be one of the unhealthiest diets you could possibly do.  While on the atkins diet, my poor hubby either was constantly constipated or he had insane diarreah.  His stomach bothered him the entire time.  He did lose 100 lbs, but gained it all back plus some in the 6 months after he quit atkins. 

He was very sceptical about our new healthy eating.  He didn’t think he would lose weight.  As you guys know, he has been losing weight like crazy.  Today he moved down a pants size!!!!  He was really pushing it on the old ones when we started this life changing journey.  I’m so excited for him!  I still wish he would exercise because I want him to be healthier, not just lighter.  But maybe once he gets some of this weight off, he will want to be more active.

I also have so changes to report.  I still haven’t gone on the scale this week which is MAJOR!  I didn’t realize I was a scale junky until I decided to not weigh myself this week until weigh in on Friday.  Of my four goals, staying off the scale has been the hardest by far.  So I’m really really proud of myself. (pats self on back!)

I have another even major and exciting change.  I have muscle in my arm!!!  I have always been very weak in my upper body.  My legs are super strong from years of riding horses, but I have never, ever had arm muscles.  About a week ago, I started adding a few arm strengthing exercises.  I would never have imagined that they would have worked so quickly if I didn’t see it and feel it for myself.  I had to show hubby.  Although he thought I was a little crazy, he agreed that you could definetly see the beginnings of little peanut muscles in my arms.

I’m not buff, don’t get me wrong.  But you can actually see the muscle change the shape of my arm when I flex it!!!  Under that layer of fat is a newly formed arm muscle!  I want sexy arms so bad.  This has just encouraged me to keep up those arm exercises even more.

Changes are taking place in my house!!!  I couldn’t be happier. 

Now, if the laundry could somehow manage to get done without me involved…..

Friday night, he decided to go to the casino for a little bit.  It’s only 30 min from our house.  At 2:00 am I finally went to sleep, worried about him but exhausted.  When I woke up yesterday, he informed me that I could order my lens!!!!  He won $600 which was exactly what I needed for the lens I wanted.

 Well, being my cheapskate self, I decided that was just to much money to spend on a lens. Guess what,  he ordered it anyway!!!  I will have my new lens in about a week.  So as much as I bitch about him, he is a really good man. 

This is a picture I took of our hands in december.  I was trying out making my own apeture mask.  Those hearts are not photoshopped in.  They are the caused by christmas lights hanging in the background with a heart shaped cut-out over the front of my lens. 

Today we went to play golf.  I have only played one time in my life ever.  I really suck!!!  Hubby says I played the equivalent of 90holes because it takes me so many swings to actually hit the ball!!  I just keep looking at it as a good workout.  My arms are already sore.  My legs are getting there.  I refused to ride in the cart.  I tried to talk him out of getting one because it would be great exercise, but no go.  Suprisingly, my 9 year old daughter was pretty good.  She didn’t hit the ball far, but it was straight everytime.  And honestly, she hit it almost as far as me!

I also thought you guys might like to see a picture of my little family.  I took this before christmas to use on our card. 

I don’t understand why I have to work twice as hard as he does to lose weight.  I mean, my logical brain does know and understand all the reasons but my heart doesn’t.  And it pisses me off.  I work out 5 or 6 days a week.  Plus, my job is pretty active.  I’m a teacher so I walk all day long while I teach.  I may sit down 2 min out of every class period.  Then when I get home from work, I cook, straighten the house, do laundry, by the time I actually get to sit down it’s normally 7:30 or 8:00.  What is my darling hubby doing all this time?  Sitting on his ass playing on the computer.

I really don’t have any trouble eating healthy and other than two cheat days, I have stuck to my plan really well for the last month.  I have lost 10-11 lbs.  I am proud of myself!!  But my hubby eats out several times a week for lunch, once a week for dinner, and never moves his lazy bum.  Why, ohhh Why does the weight just seem to melt off of him and I struggle so much? 

Is it normal for me to resent his weightloss?  Shouldn’t I be happy for him?  Why can’t I be happy for him?  It makes me so bitchy toward him.  Everything he says I want to snap his head off.  Bless his heart he can’t do anything right as far as I’m concerned.  He has no idea what is going on, but I do.  I’m pissed because he is just breezing through losing weight and I am struggling. 

Last night, I had just got off my treadmill and was logging on to buddyslim for my accountability when he said he was going to play a game on his computer.  I said “Why don’t you walk a little on the treadmill instead?”  He actually laughed at me.  He said, “I don’t need to.” 

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!!????  It’s like he was rubbing my nose in it.  “Ha, ha, ha.  I can lose weight better than you.”  (He didn’t say that, but that’s what I heard)

A few days ago, he had bought some fig newtons.  Now, I knew that they were pretty low fat but kinda high calorie.  So I ask him to check the calorie count for me because I had ate two for a snack earlier.  They were 60 calories each and he had ate a full sleeve of them while playing on his computer.  That’s 14 fig newtons.  He inhaled 840 calories as a snack.  I just had to laugh.  I guess I’m evil.

I’m not a big panicy person, but like I said we spent a week in the hospital last year for something that he ignored.  And the entire time the doctors were saying they had never seen anything like it. 

Anyway, he woke up after I finished my blog last night and wanted something to drink.  He drank one glass and went back to sleep.  This morning, he doesn’t have any fever or pain in his side.  he is pretty weak, but that is probably from not eating any yesterday.  I’m wondering if he didn’t have a kidney stone that passed during the nite.  My dad has suffered from kidney stones several times and his syptoms were similar but not exactly the same.

I don’t have much time now, but I will be back later to read blogs and comment!  Thanks to everyone for your support!!!  I love you guys soooo much.  I can’t believe I’ve only “known” you a month.  You are GOOD PEOPLE!