Smoking, Mommy Guilt, and Cheat Day
So I fell off the smoking wagon. Part of me feels like such a failure, the other part (the strong part) is telling me that I can do it and that this is just part of the process. I was doing so great, right up until Wednesday. Well, really Tuesday but I didn’t actually smoke until Wednesday. But I can promise you if I had a pack on Tuesday they would have been gone!!
See, Tuesday I took Alissa to get her eyes checked. Every year, she fails the vision screening at school and every year I take her to the eye doctor. And every year he tells us she has 20/20 vision and he doesn’t understand why she keeps failing the eye screening at school. Well, she failed it again this year and I was like, “NO, I am not taking her to the dr. again. We have to pay out the butt for him to tell us she can see perfectly fine.” Because our insurance only covers vision test once every two years and we used the free one last year. Anyway, I didn’t take her.
Then last week one of her teachers e-mails me and said (and I am actually quoting here) “Have you noticed that Alissa can’t see the board?” My first thought was, “Yes, all those times I was teaching your students in your classroom I noticed that my child couldn’t see.” I’m a bit of a smartass if you didn’t already know that. My second thought was, “Yes, I know my child is having trouble seeing, but choose not to do anything about it.” I can be a smartass on so many levels.
Anyway, I made her an appointment to see a different eye doctor. Tuesday was the appointment. As I sat in the Dr. office and watched my little girl only be able to read the big E, I could feel my resolve not to smoke crumble. How could I possibly not know that my baby couldn’t see any better than that? See where the Mommy guilt comes in?
I felt like such a terrible mother. But I didn’t smoke that day, only because she was with me and she wants me to quit smoking so badly. The next day, she woke up sick and wound up staying at home with my hubby. I had already missed a day of work the day before, so we decided that he would keep her. So she wasn’t with me on the 30 min commute to school. And you guessed it, I broke. I bought a pack of smokes. The first one tasted like crap. so I smoked another, and another, and another. And now that don’t taste so bad anymore.
Well, actually I only smoked a couple on Wednesday. Then I smoked a few more on Thursday, and then yesterday I gave up the pretension of being smoke free all together. We went to get her glasses yesterday. More mommy guilt pouring on. When we walked out of the place with her glasses on and she started reading every sign, once again I felt like the worst mom ever. And the desire to smoke become overwhelming.
But I am going to beat this thing. It is not going to beat me. I’m just going to have to start all over.
As far as the cheat day, I had one yesterday. I don’t do that often. And boy did I cheat! But you know what, except for the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, nothing really tasted that great. I thought as I ate everything, my low fat varieties taste as good or better. The Ben & Jerry’s, well that’s another story!
Ohh, and here is a picture of Alissa with her new glasses. She loves them. At least she loves actually being able to see!
Doesn’t she have the most beautiful lips? She gets those from her sperm donor. Only good thing he gave her!
Aww…don’t feel guilty, I remember when the school first notified me that my daughter failed her first eye test…and I thought the same thing, how could I not have known?? Truth is she never had to read anything from 12 feet away thats why….lol Anyway, kudos on trying to quit. I myself have cut down immensly but amd terrfied to stop cold turkey…and so as long as I have some in the house or within walking distance, it’s going to be very hard. You’ll do it…have patience. Good Luck!
Oh she looks cute in the glasses. Don’t feel bad, it happens. My siblings and I didn’t get glasses until we were almost out of highschool.
Just keep hanging in there with the smoking thing, I know if I was your daughter how badly I would want my mom to quit. Have you tried the gum or anything for those bad days?
Your daughter is so cute, I just found out I need glasses too, I cant see a damn thing unless its right in front of me. I can’t really offer advice on the quitting thing, I know how hard it is personally. I quit once for about 4 months and started again. Its a terrible habit but what I can say is try and touch base with your inner emotions before reaching towards your physical emotions. I’m gonna try and quit real soon too, Cigs over here just went up today to 9.50 a pack! Thats insane… Go figure, I bought a pack anyway
Shes very cute, ur doing ok..!
Don’t feel bad! I mean you were going by what the first doctor was saying. You did the right thing by bringing her to another doctor and getting a second opinion. I’ve got glasses too. It became hard for me to read the black board in high school. I think it finally took me failing the eye exam in school, to go out and get glasses with my mom. Your daughter looks adorable in her glasses!
Are you still going to try and quit smoking? Do it for your daughter, but more importantly your health. She wants you to quit for good reasons.
AWWW! Your daughter is precious! And you are not a bad mommy, you were going by what the eye doctor had told you. And dont you beat yourself up about the cigarettes, just like this weightloss, there is no failure. You pick yourself back up and you do better tomorrow. That cutie in the glasses up there is SOOO worth it! And so is her MOM!
I totally have those glasses lol im wearing them right now. i love them. listen here missy! I know how hard it is to quit smoking I quit last august and I admit to have one on halloween and like half a pack on new years eve(I was drunk as hell lol) and half of one in pensacola like 2weeks ago but you are right everytime I have one I realize it taste like crap. and my throat hurts. Now I live with my parents and my dads smokes in the house and that kills me so everytime he smokes in the house from now on i have decided to get up and leave. go for a walk or whatever but jsut leave and im hoping soon he will follow suit. I waited for some many years to get my dad to quit and he has for a month or so at a time. I had my first cig when I was (no lie) 5years old.MY brother and I smoked the butts in my dads ashtray in the car. Then I sarted smoking more when I was 12 and I smoked on a off since then. Ive never been a heavy smoker unless drunk but I had to have it at least once a day. It was hard giving up but I always told myself if I was going to lose weight I had to stop lying to others and myself and stop smoking. They were a package deal. Good luck hun! Im here if you need me
Your daughter is just beautiful! She looks just like you! Don’t feel bad - I had a mommy guilt thing recently when my daughter came to me with a swollen pinky finger after playing basketball. I looked at it and said, “Aww, you’re okay. You just jammed it.” She insisted it hurt and FOUR DAYS LATER (when it turned purple) I finally took her in only to find out that, not only was it broken, but it was broken on the growth plate. She just got her partial cast off late last week. So, girl, I hear ya on the mommy guilt. But we learn as we go as parents - I don’t know too many of us who are BORN good parents. We just figure it out as we go. Hang in there — you’re a great mama
Oh, and a cheat day is a MUST. I have one every Saturday. If I didn’t do that, I’d never stick to a diet. So enjoy your life, your food, and your beautiful daughter!
I have faith in you that you can do it. And I’m proud of you. You’ve really been working hard.
And your daughter’s a cutie!!
Cute kid!
I feel your guilt, but don’t let it drag you down. You’re doing ok.