Leona

I’m normally a pretty upbeat person.  I do deal with depression, but I’m a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” kinda girl.  And I haven’t had a real bout of depression in quite some time.  Until today.

I know that part of my issue is steming from the smoking thing.  Okay, a big part.  I’m trying to quit, and I really want to quit.  But a part of me is holding back.  I’m not really enjoying the ones I smoke, so why do I continue to do it?  Because even though I knew IT would happen, even though I told myself I could deal with IT, I wasn’t really prepared for the side effects that quitting smoking would bring about.

What is IT you ask?  Mindless eating.  Eating instead of smoking.  For the most part, my snack attacks have been the healthier variety.  But this past weekend, I totally fell off the wagon.  I don’t take cheat days, because I have issues with getting back on plan.  Even though my healthy food taste better than the high fat variety I indulge in on a cheat day, once I cheat it’s like I can’t stop myself.  I decided to have a cheat day Friday that wound up being an entire cheat weekend. 

Well guess what?  I jumped on the scales this moring and I have gained 4 lbs.  SINCE FRIDAY!!!!!!  Please don’t tell me it is probably water, although some of it may be.  I made poor food choices; I over ate; I snacked mindlessly; and I didn’t workout at all.  I did this to myself.

And I’m not dealing with this very well.  I lost it tonight.  My poor hubby held me once again as I sobbed uncontrollably into his shirt.  I have worked too damn hard to lose what little weight I have to gain it back!  I don’t know if I can lose weight and quit smoking at the same time!  I know other people do it, but I don’t know if I can do it. 

I feel so stressed.  I’m a bitch to everyone around me.  Even though I know I’m just being a bitch, I can’t seem to stop myself.  I want to eat everything I can get my hands on.  I have tried gum, suckers, hard candy.  I wind up putting off eating, but eventually I eat.  I have used nicotine lozenges and the patch and have to say they have really helped with the physical part, but the emotional part is still there.  And to be honest, that’s the really hard part.

I want so badly to lose this weight.  I don’t want to be so overweight that my knees hurt and I feel miserable.  I want to buy clothing that looks good on me.  I want to be able to play with my daughter without being exhausted after a few minutes.  I’m in tears again as I type this.  And I know you guys understand what I’m talking about. 

I know this weight is not going to fall off of me.  I understand the math behind it.  I respect that totally.  I know it’s a journey that is many miles long.  I’m prepared for that long journey.  But why does it have to come back so easy?  Yes, I screwed up.  But why do I have to work 2-3 weeks to lose 4 lbs just to gain it back it 3 days?

We bought a second hand treadmill this weekend to replace my old dinosaur that died.  Guess what?  I’m to fat for it!!  Seriously, the weight limit is suppose to be 250, but it barely crawls if I try to walk on it.  My 100 lb daughter can walk on it just fine.  Hubby contacted the lady and you know what she said, “Sorry, but it worked when you left with it.”  My hubby explained to her that yes it did work, but I couldn’t use it because of my weight which is why I wanted it and she could probably sell it to someone smaller.  But she just said, “I can’t help you.  You bought a used treadmill.”  Of course, when she was trying to make the sell she “only used it like 10 times ever.” Now that something is wrong with it, it’s a used treadmill. 

I need some help guys.  I need someone to help me design an exercise program that I can do at home.  I don’t have the option of going to a gym and  I really don’t know what to do.  I just sorta do what I feel like doing, and that’s not working because if I don’t “feel” like doing anything, I don’t.  If anyone is willing to help me out, please comment or message me.

So I fell off the smoking wagon.  Part of me feels like such a failure, the other part (the strong part) is telling me that I can do it and that this is just part of the process.  I was doing so great, right up until Wednesday.  Well, really Tuesday but I didn’t actually smoke until Wednesday.  But I can promise you if I had a pack on Tuesday they would have been gone!!

See, Tuesday I took Alissa to get her eyes checked.  Every year, she fails the vision screening at school and every year I take her to the eye doctor.  And every year he tells us she has 20/20 vision and he doesn’t understand why she keeps failing the eye screening at school.  Well, she failed it again this year and I was like, “NO, I am not taking her to the dr. again.  We have to pay out the butt for him to tell us she can see perfectly fine.”  Because our insurance only covers vision test once every two years and we used the free one last year.  Anyway, I didn’t take her. 

Then last week one of her teachers e-mails me and said (and I am actually quoting here) “Have you noticed that Alissa can’t see the board?”  My first thought was, “Yes, all those times I was teaching your students in your classroom I noticed that my child couldn’t see.”  I’m a bit of a smartass if you didn’t already know that.  My second thought was, “Yes, I know my child is having trouble seeing, but choose not to do anything about it.”  I can be a smartass on so many levels.

Anyway, I made her an appointment to see a different eye doctor.  Tuesday was the appointment.  As I sat in the Dr. office and watched my little girl only be able to read the big E, I could feel my resolve not to smoke crumble.  How could I possibly not know that my baby couldn’t see any better than that?  See where the Mommy guilt comes in? 

I felt like such a terrible mother.  But I didn’t smoke that day, only because she was with me and she wants me to quit smoking so badly.  The next day, she woke up sick and wound up staying at home with my hubby.  I had already missed a day of work the day before, so we decided that he would keep her.  So she wasn’t with me on the 30 min commute to school.  And you guessed it, I broke.  I bought a pack of smokes.  The first one tasted like crap.  so I smoked another, and another, and another.  And now that don’t taste so bad anymore.

Well, actually I only smoked a couple on Wednesday.  Then I smoked a few more on Thursday, and then yesterday I gave up the pretension of being smoke free all together.  We went to get her glasses yesterday.  More mommy guilt pouring on.  When we walked out of the place with her glasses on and she started reading every sign, once again I felt like the worst mom ever.  And the desire to smoke become overwhelming. 

But I am going to beat this thing.  It is not going to beat me.  I’m just going to have to start all over.

As far as the cheat day, I had one yesterday.  I don’t do that often.  And boy did I cheat!  But you know what, except for the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, nothing really tasted that great.  I thought as I ate everything, my low fat varieties taste as good or better.  The Ben & Jerry’s, well that’s another story!

Ohh, and here is a picture of Alissa with her new glasses.  She loves them.  At least she loves actually being able to see!

Doesn’t she have the most beautiful lips?  She gets those from her sperm donor.  Only good thing he gave her!

Hey guys!  I’m just sort of dropping in to tell you how the quitting smoking is going.  I have to keep busy, so I’m sorry I’m not commenting on your blogs.  Give me a day or two, and I will be back at it again. 

Sunday was my first day of smoke free.  It went suprisingly well until around 7:00 pm.   Then I had a break down.  I didn’t smoke, but I had an emotional break down.  Uncontrollable crying over the stupidest thing.  Anyway, I got it back together without the aid of a ciggarette and went to bed early.  Craziest thing is I slept better last night than I have in a long time.  Coincendence?

I was really worried about today.  Being at school, with all those kids, can you say STRESS????  But it was okay.  I actually did really well.  And I told my kids up front that I was quitting smoking so that they would understand if I seemed a little short tempered.  They were all sooooo wonderful.  I heard “You can do it,” and “I’m so proud of you,” so many times.  One of my favorites (I know I’m not supposed to have favorites, but I’m human) said, “Mrs. Leona, your a strong person.  I know you can do this.”  It brought tears to my eyes.  But tears of joy that my kid believed in me.  That’s what I call my students.  They are my kids.

I came home and worked out.  The drive home was pretty tough, but bearable.  Then hubby came home and made some stupid comment that pissed me off.  Guess what?  Breakdown again.  The uncontrollable crying was worse than on sunday.  Hubby sat on the bed rubbing my back and just talking about normal everyday stuff until I got it under control.  God Bless him!!! 

Anyway, I’m going to turn in early again.  And I will get back to reading blogs in a day or two.  Just let me get myself under control first.  Right now, I wouldn’t want to read some of the comments I would leave!