What Do you Do when your 9 Year old thinks she is fat????? Help Please!!!!
Guys, I’m really distraught and need some advice. My daughter is 9 and weighs 104 lbs. Yes, she is overweight. Yes, I have at least in part caused this by teaching her my bad habits. But I have never, I repeat, NEVER told my daughter that she is fat or that she needs to lose weight. However, this morning she cried because she thinks she is fat! And I cried because she was hurting. And I’m crying now because my baby is having to deal with such terrible thoughts that I never wanted her to deal with. So if this blog is a little incoherent, please forgive me.
This weight loss journey has been a family affair, but we have been very careful to talk about getting healthy instead of losing weight. We eat healthy foods and exercise because it is good for our bodies. I don’t limit my daughters food, but we keep fruits and healthier snacks in the house instead of the high fat high sugar snacks we have always had in the past.
I have discussed with her that I am overweight and need to lose weight because of my health. I explained that my weight was causing highblood pressure and aches in my knees and legs. We don’t make an issue over the scale, but my hubby and I do talk about how much weight we have lost.
Here’s the deal: I don’t believe in lying to her. I tell her things straight up. Although I don’t want her to have a negative self image, I also don’t want her to struggle with her weight all her life as I have. I don’t want her to continue to develope bad eating habits. She already has food issues. And has for a long long time. We can be eating lunch, and she will ask what is for dinner. She is a food hoarder. If she has something, she doesn’t want to share with anyone.
I really need advice. How do I deal with this without hurting my baby girl? How do I help her develope a positive self image, without that self image being tied to how much she weighs? How do I help her lose weight without making her feel that she needs to lose weight even though she does need to lose weight?
I don’t think I’m making very much sense, so I hope you guys can understand what I’m asking. I just need advice. I don’t want my little angel to think that appearances are the most important thing, but I also want her to value being healthy. How do you convey that to a child? How do you say, “It doesn’t matter what you look like.” And in the next breath tell them “Don’t eat that.” Not that I tell her that, but I’m sure that is what she hears when I say why don’t you have an apple instead.
I’m open and welcome to all advice. comment here or message me. Be blunt and be honest. You might hurt my feelings, but if it is something that helps my baby, I can take it.
It may be best to tell her the truth, but not in a mean way. The main thing to do is tell her that her goal is attainable. If she chooses to aim for this goal, support her, and show her the right way to do things. The worst thing that could happen is for her to try it herself and end up with some sort of eating disorder, as does happen many times in younger kids these days unfortunately. Turn the whole thing into mother daughter time. Encourage her to join a sport or activity that will keep her active. Take her on a tour to many different sports and let her pick the one she likes. Often times, it is the fact that there is little or no activity in someone’s life that causes them to be overweight. I don’t recommend putting her on a calorie restriction diet, though. Instead, encourage healthy food choices. She’s growing, and something like that could inhibit that. Basically, turn this whole negative thing into a great positive one. Instead of her being upset about her weight, tell her she’s lucky that she’ll be learning good health habits earlier in life so that she wont gain as much weight as people do when they get older. You know, earlier habits stick. Everything’s easier in the positive light. Remember encouragement, healthy choices, and physical activity. Basically, get it done, and have fun with it. Good luck!
Such a good Mom you are. When I was shovelling the food in secret when I was younger (grief I was 140 pounds at here age….*shakes head*) I WISH I had had an angel who would have came to me and asked, “why are you eating? What is causing you to eat? How are you feeling? I love you. I can make you feel safe. What do you want even more then food?” I personally would have loved to learn portion size. This is something I learned much later and it was much more difficult. There is a fine line though, because you do not want her to be obsessed. I look forward to what others say.
I think learning to eyeball portions is a WONDERFUL skill. Eating out of smaller bowls and off smaller plates is wonderful instead of out of jars and boxes. Nutritionists say that avoiding sugar beverages or limiting unsweetened real juices can be helpful. Sorry, I am just likely spewing things you already know. 
You will get some good advice here today because this is such an awesome blog. I just wanted to share how I felt then. It is likely a confusing time. She may have heard things at school or from others and so I think she will need to hear how much she is loved and accepted. You do this, so that will mean so much. But the key is to open the communication door. Not easy this will be I am sure, but if she trusts, she may open up.
All the best Leona.
I actually just wrote a blog about this recently. I’m a nanny and I actually see kids as young as 5 starting to care about their appearance. You should sit down with her and ask her about how she sees herself, and why does she see herself that way. Ask her what she wants to look like and why. If she brings up hannah montana or any celeb, explain the difference. Tell her why it’s good to be strong, and what healthy foods do to your body. Don’t tell her that it’s all healthy or nothing. She’s a kid, she’s allowed to have chocolate chips in her yogurt, or a cookie in her lunch, but tell her why it’s good for her. Explain what happens in her body when she eats healthier foods and how it makes her run faster, and feel stronger. Ask her if there is any type of activity that she has always wanted to try, but hasn’t asked you to. Who knows, maybe she’s secretly always wanted to take dance, or gymnastics, but hasn’t asked you. If she finds an activity that she enjoys it will take time away from eating and put to something positive. Don’t ever tell her she needs to lose weight. Ever. Don’t talk about numbers. Talk about making your body healthy, and feeling good. I read a book called ‘wasted’ about a girl growing up w/ anorexia etc, and it all started w/ her mother eating sugar free cereal and making a big deal about it. You must be very careful with what you say. You do not want your little girl weighing herself every morning and trying out ‘diets’.. you never know what will lead to something horrible with young girls. Keep EVERYTHING positive, but don’t let her feel like it’s okay to continue to make the food choices, either. If she wants 6 cookies after dinner let her have 2 and tell her if she is still hungry she can have a healthy choice. Just introduce more positives and the negatives will slowly ease away.
Hi, this was a very useful blog, and very useful advice. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who posted - I would not have known how to deal with it, and being a mother of a girl I want to know for the future.
I was around 7 when I started to be self conscious about my weight. I remember making my mother put spandex on me over my swimsuit when I’d get in the pool… ugh, I hated it. I think if you try and give her positive reasons as to why people change their eating habits, why people envy the thin and why people have something negative to say about over weight people then perhaps she will get that it has nothing to do with body image. My problem growing up was that my mother had weight problems and her only way of fixing it was crazy diets.. all of which I tried. If she had told me what I know now about being healthy and eating right, I probably wouldn’t have had weight issues growing up. I started taking ephedrine at like 15 and she encouraged it! I love my mother so I don’t want to bash her in any way but I’m just giving you an example. Try and get her into eating healthy, teach her what certain foods do to the human body. Have her do projects with you to learn more about certain food’s. More importantly try and constantly let her know that curvy is beautiful, and skinny is gross… it really is lol.. but seriously, kids dont want to hear ” oh hun, your beautiful the way you are” nor do they want to hear that its all part of growing up. They dont need to hear about how to love themselves because at her age she wouldn’t know where to start. It should be natural to her.
Until last year, I’d eat at McDonalds almost every day. I weighed 198 pounds, and did for most of my life. When I started doing research on pork, beef and certain ingredients in food, it halted me. I stopped looking for diets and quickly realized I needed a life time change. It isnt about weight loss at her age, its about being healthier and knowing WHY. A child’s favorite question. WHY. Hope this helped… sorry it was so long, just brought back lots of childhood memories… hugs!
I don’t have a bunch of great advice because if it were me I’d be doing the same thing and asking for help with how to deal with it. I think you are handling things well so far as far as telling her its about getting healthy not about being fat. May I suggest maybe a little more activity she would like? I’m not sure maybe she already is involved in sports but maybe take up roller blading every weekend at a skating rink or swimming at the local indoor pool (I’m not sure where you live but its to cold for an outdoors pool right now lol) maybe little things like that she wont realize your trying to get her to move more it will just look like family bonding time to her. I hope you get the answers you are looking for I know this is hard for her and you.
Of course she didn’t hear it from you. You’re her mom and love her, that’s what her friends are for. I remember what it was like, in school there are plenty of kids more than ready to make “the fat girl’s” life hell on earth. You can only lead by example when it comes to weight. Anything you say will be taken as criticism. Start becoming an active and positive influence without making a big deal about it. Good luck honey, it’s tough being a mom.
These guys have already given ya some good tips..many of them the same as I was thinking. I just wanted to wish you good luck with this whole thing. debbie
Leona, I have nothing bad to say ! I too have this problem with my 11 yr. old daughter ! She is 120 lbs. right now ! That is exactly 47 pounds less than me and she should only weigh about 90 lbs. at the most ! Here is what I have been doing ! Yes, i don’t want you to make the mistake I did by telling her she needs to lose weight ! Tell her it is time for the family to get healthy together as not to single her out ! I have now have to make sure I do not tell her that when she asks “Am I fat “? I try to tell her we all need to stop eating the junk and get healthier all together ! I hope this helps a little ! I know I can’t stop the pain you are in right now but just give you a little advice in hopes that it helps ! Keep your head up ! Hugs, Kimmi
Making it as positive as possible will make a world of difference. Grab a ball to play outside instead of saying “Let’s exercise”. Make it about fun. Make it a game to see who eats the most fruit, for example, and when you do work out, remind her how strong she is becoming, and healthy. Don’t focus on thinner, or smaller. I do that for myself, focus on my health and strength. It’s far more motivating.
This is a heart breaker for me too…I think Mj is on track.
I try to tell them (boys) that they are awesome just as they are…but if they are unhappy they can make changes. I try to stress just making little changes is all the y need to do…like watching portion sizes and getting more exercise. I totally understand what you are saying and how you are struggling with this. We preach that beauty is on the inside and then to tell them yes you are overweight…well its confusing.
Just try to be a good example and do active things with them…
My brother had high blood pressure at like 12 or 13 and my mom put everyone on a “diet”. We actually had fun with it and everyone remembers helping pick the food we’d make and exercising. We all got bikes and went for rides, it was fun. We all then took a few steps back in the past several years but now are all back on track together again. I would make it a family thing about getting healthy and do some sort of activity together. We still tell my mom how much we loved helping cook and going on rides. She laughs now.
I think you’ve got some GREAT advice here. The only thing I would add, is to be sure she sees that there are BEAUTIFUL women of all body types, not just the super-skinny type Hollywood glorifies. Maybe let her catch you staring at a “plus-size” model, and explain how she’s beautiful and HEALTHY, not super-skinny, not FAT, just healthy.
To be perfectly honest, I got pretty chunky when I hit puberty. It was a tough time for me, and I refused to talk to my mom (or anyone else for that matter!) about it. I DID join the basketball team, however, and the combination of exercise, teamwork, and having to stick to something even when I didn’t feel like it (after all, team-mates rely on each other, don’t they?) helped me get that extra weight off and develop a lean, healthy body, AS WELL AS gave me what I needed emotionally: to fit in with a group of kids.
You’re doing a GREAT JOB! The mommy thing is tough; it doesn’t come with a manual. They just send these babies home with us and expect us to know how to raise them!
But you are doing an AMAZING job, and I think the fact that your daughter talks to you about what’s bothering her speaks VOLUMES about your parenting skills. 
Keep the dialog up, and you two will figure it out together.
I’m not a mom so I can’t help you on that front, but I was a pretty oddball 9yo.
I don’t know how much I weighed at 9, but that is when I hit puberty. Yep, 9yo and B-cups…that wasn’t fun!
I know what helps with grown-ups (and may work for older kids) is to look good. I am a believer that if you dress well you will like what you see in the mirror. If you can help her see herself as beautiful, maybe it will be easier to get her to take care of her body.
Like I said, works with grown-ups, kids I dunno.
~Renee’
It sounds like you already have a lot of good advice. A friend of the family’s daughter weighed over 100 pounds in kindergarten. Her mom never really talked to her about what was going on or how to get healthy but she did plan physical activities. In the summer they would go for a walks or go swimming. The zoo is a great place for a lot of walking. She basically picked the places they went and how they spent their days based on if they were moving or sitting around and it never seemed like exercise to the kids. It sounds to me like you are a really good mom. You will get things figured out.
Wow, I just read this as I was google about my 9 year old thinking she is fat. I feel so much better. I need to exercise more with my daughter. I need to stop being so lazy myself and find the time to go for walks, cycling, swimming etc. So grateful for finding this, I was feeling miserable and lost, now i feel like I have a solution..Thank you