Leona

Thanks you everyone for your heartfelt advice on my last blog about my little girl.  I’m cried once again as I read your responses.  The reason for my tears are two-fold.  One:  So many of you had the same struggle as a child and I cry for that child you once were.  Two:  The love and support you guys give out touches me.  I’m not sure I have any “real life” friends that support me as much as ya’ll do.

I am going to use all of your advice to the best of my ability.  Some of it I am already doing, but some things I hadn’t thought of. 

Alissa enjoys dance, so I am looking into dance lessons to help with the activity.  I’m focusing on eating more fruits and veggies myself, so I’m going to encourage her to do so and really express how healthy they make me feel.  Up until now, I have left my scales out even though I am trying to stay off them.  I wanted to stay off them with will power.  But I think having them sitting in the bathroom is sending a silent message that weight is important.  So I’m hiding them out.  I’m not going to say anything to her about them, but she will notice they are gone so I will explain that it doesn’t matter how much I weigh.  The important thing is that I take care of my body by moving it and eating right. 

Also, a buddy messaged me and expressed thoughts that my daughter may need to speak to someone other than me about the food issues.  Having her be able to talk to me is really important, but I realize that she may need to speak to somone else that is trained in dealing with these issues.  I am going to talk to the school counselor about that.  I have her son in class this year, so we have a good relationship but are not really friends so it won’t be like talking to mommy’s friend.  And Alissa likes her, so maybe she will open up to her.

Another thing I’m thinking about taking on is school food.  Being a faculty member, I know better than most what our kids are eating everyday.  The food is not just less than nutritious, it is primerly highly processed high-fat high-sugar food.  Besides my daughters weight, she is also ADD (but that’s a whole other blog) and these meals are detremential to that as well.  Of course, she could take her lunch every day, and we may do that to ensure that she is eating healthy well-balance meals to benefit both her physical health and mental health.  But what about all the other kids?  They deserve to have healthy nutritious meals also.  So, I have designated myself as the speaker for all children.  Now I just need a plan that doesn’t jeporadize my job. LOL!  Seriously, I do have to figure out how to approach this.  I would like to have a complete plan before going to the powers that be with it.  I have discussed it with my principal and he backs me 100%.  If I come up with a plan, he will help me present it.

On another note, I managed to lose 2 lbs this week!  Yeah me!!!!  I was really scared to get on the scale.  Not because I was “bad,” but TOM showed up Wednesday night with all the crew in tow.  Now I’m retaining water like a diaper, so I’m really looking forward to next weeks weigh in.  As long as I continue rockin’ like I have been, I should have a great weigh in next week.

Sunday is my quit day.  Quit smoking day that is.  Pray for me guys!!  And pray for my poor family.  But I know I can do this!!!!  I managed to finish college, driving 2 hours a day 5 days a week, while working a part time job and raising my baby by myself.  If I can do that, I can do anything. 

 Once again, thanks everyone for the advice and the love!!  You peeps rock!!

Guys, I’m really distraught and need some advice.  My daughter is 9 and weighs 104 lbs.  Yes, she is overweight.  Yes, I have at least in part caused this by teaching her my bad habits.  But I have never, I repeat, NEVER told my daughter that she is fat or that she needs to lose weight.  However, this morning she cried because she thinks she is fat!  And I cried because she was hurting.  And I’m crying now because my baby is having to deal with such terrible thoughts that I never wanted her to deal with.  So if this blog is a little incoherent, please forgive me.

 This weight loss journey has been a family affair, but we have been very careful to talk about getting healthy instead of losing weight.  We eat healthy foods and exercise because it is good for our bodies.  I don’t limit my daughters food, but we keep fruits and healthier snacks in the house instead of the high fat high sugar snacks we have always had in the past. 

I have discussed with her that I am overweight and need to lose weight because of my health.  I explained that my weight was causing highblood pressure and aches in my knees and legs.  We don’t make an issue over the scale, but my hubby and I do talk about how much weight we have lost.

Here’s the deal:  I don’t believe in lying to her.  I tell her things straight up.  Although I don’t want her to have a negative self image, I also don’t want her to struggle with her weight all her life as I have.  I don’t want her to continue to develope bad eating habits.  She already has food issues.  And has for a long long time.  We can be eating lunch, and she will ask what is for dinner.  She is a food hoarder.  If she has something, she doesn’t want to share with anyone. 

I really need advice.  How do I deal with this without hurting my baby girl?  How do I help her develope a positive self image, without that self image being tied to how much she weighs?  How do I help her lose weight without making her feel that she needs to lose weight even though she does need to lose weight? 

I don’t think I’m making very much sense, so I hope you guys can understand what I’m asking.  I just need advice.  I don’t want my little angel to think that appearances are the most important thing, but I also want her to value being healthy.  How do you convey that to a child?  How do you say, “It doesn’t matter what you look like.”  And in the next breath tell them “Don’t eat that.”  Not that I tell her that, but I’m sure that is what she hears when I say why don’t you have an apple instead.

I’m open and welcome to all advice.  comment here or message me.  Be blunt and be honest.  You might hurt my feelings, but if it is something that helps my baby, I can take it.

Last summer, I really got into making group shot pictures.  It’s a lot of fun to do, and is a neat way to show personality and interest of a person.  Well, my daughter was my first little victim, uh model. 

As you can see, I’m going to have my hands full with her in a few years!  She has such an attitude!

We had so much fun doing hers that she wanted to make one of Mommy.  So I sat the camera up for her on a tripod.  It was in my utility room, which is a level down from my kitchen.  Alissa chose all the poses and directed me on what to do.  It was fun, right up until we started editing to combine the shots.  The point when I saw myself captured on digital film.

I have always struggled with my weight.  Well, from puberty on anyway.  I hit puberty pretty young.  I don’t remember ever wearing a size A or B bra.  I went from nothing to size C like overnight.  Being one of the first girls to get a chest in the 5th grade made me really self concious.  It didn’t help that I got teased a lot.  Now I know that those girls that teased me were just jealous, but at the time it hurt.  The boys who teased me, well … we all know what was going on in their minds.  But I didn’t know any of this stuff when I was eleven.  This was probably the point when my self image started really detoriating.  My body self image that is.  And because of the pain of being teased on a daily basis, I turned to food.  Of course I didn’t realize that at the time.  But looking back, I can see it.  I started putting on weight, hitting that chubby stage.  Which just increased the level of teasing.

In high school, I was always the “fat” friend.  Of course, my two best friends were a size zero and a three.  So at a solid size 9, I thought I was huge.  What I wouldn’t give to be that “fat” again.  But I was only a size 9 because of how active I was.  I was a basketball player.  Well, really I was a bench warmer.  But I had to run just like the girls who actually got to play, so even though I had the tendency to be chubby it was controlled by the hundreds of line drills and bleacher zig-zag’s I did. 

My junior year in high school, I quit basketball and started working at a cafe.  Suddenly, I was no longer running for 1-2 hours a day and I was eating lots and lots of bad food.  The weight poured on.  By graduation, I was a size 18.  I doubled my size in 2 years!!! 

I went off to college and lost a little, then gained a lot.  I have no idea how much I weighed when I finally decided to do something about it.  I was 23 and couldn’t walk without losing my breath.  So I started moving, and before long I was power walking 3 miles a day, doing an hour of cardio everyday, and dropping weight like crazy.  After 8 months, I was down to 150 lbs.  I felt fantastic, sexy, beautiful, and ready to take on the world.  I meet my daughters sperm donor and reveled in a forbidden relationship.  Then I got preganant. 

The donor took off, and I was left alone with a baby on the way.  Once again I turned to food.  By the time my daughter was born, I had gained all my weight back.  I finished college when my daughter was nine months old, and by the time she was a year old I was running the cafe I had worked at as a high school student.  But unlike then, I didn’t have time to eat lots of bad food.  The weight started coming off again.

I was about 155 when I meet my wonderful hubby.  He was a customer and a really good one.  He asked me out and didn’t bat an eye when I asked if my 14 month old could go to. Now, before you get upset about me taking my daughter on a date, I didn’t expect him to want to go out when he found out I had a baby.  And we were a package deal.  I always said we were a “Buy One, Get One Free” package.  Any guy who wanted to date me had to want my baby too, or he wasn’t getting anywhere near me.  But he said that sounds great.   We went out to eat (why must all date include dinner) and then played minature golf.  My daughter got car sick and puked in his 1 month old truck.  He called me the next morning to ask how to get the vomit smell out of his truck.  We have been together ever since.  Both of us slowly gaining weight over the last 8 years.

I didn’t intend for this blog to be my life story, but evidently I needed to write it.  The whole reason I started this blog was to tell you about this picture and how it motivated me. 

Even though I have always been the “fat” friend, even though I have struggled with my weight for most of my life, I didn’t really see myself as big as I really am.  When I look in the mirror, I don’t like what I see but my mind doesn’t really focus on how large I am.  Something has to trigger that.  Two things are my triggers: 1–Trying on clothes, 2–Seeing pictures of me.

Because I’m the photog of the family, there are not  a whole lot of pictures of me.  So this picture was the first one I had seen in quit a while.  Seeing my butt from someone else’s point of view really woke me up.  But it took six months for me to do something about it.  Well, I had a couple of false starts.  A lot of “I will start Monday.”  What is different now?  You guys.  You keep me motivated.  Your stories inspire me.  You hold me accountable.  You cheer me on.  You give me idea’s.  I am not yet a success story.  But I am on my way. 

Ohh, and the picture that triggered me….

Sadly, these were some of my favorite clothes until I saw this picture.  I have not worn them since.  Today, I was going to put them on again.  I wanted to see if there is a difference.  I was going to set the camera up in the same spot, pose in the same position, with the same clothes on and see if there is a difference in what the camera captures.  But while writing this blog, I decided I don’t need to do that.  Even if I can’t physically see a difference, I know there is one.  The difference is inside me.  The difference is that I can walk up the stairs without becoming winded.  The difference is that I have peanut muscles in my arms.  The difference is that I look forward to working out.  I don’t have to have a number or a picture to tell me that I am becoming healthier.  And instead of going to all the trouble of taking those pictures and editing, I think I’m going to through in an extra work out!

I have exciting news!!!  You guys know that I have moaned and groaned about my hubby and his ability to just drop weight.  Well, as much as I gripe he really needs to lose this weight and he has never lost any unless he did a radical atkins diet. 

I hope this doesn’t offend anyone on the atkins diet, but I personally think that has to be one of the unhealthiest diets you could possibly do.  While on the atkins diet, my poor hubby either was constantly constipated or he had insane diarreah.  His stomach bothered him the entire time.  He did lose 100 lbs, but gained it all back plus some in the 6 months after he quit atkins. 

He was very sceptical about our new healthy eating.  He didn’t think he would lose weight.  As you guys know, he has been losing weight like crazy.  Today he moved down a pants size!!!!  He was really pushing it on the old ones when we started this life changing journey.  I’m so excited for him!  I still wish he would exercise because I want him to be healthier, not just lighter.  But maybe once he gets some of this weight off, he will want to be more active.

I also have so changes to report.  I still haven’t gone on the scale this week which is MAJOR!  I didn’t realize I was a scale junky until I decided to not weigh myself this week until weigh in on Friday.  Of my four goals, staying off the scale has been the hardest by far.  So I’m really really proud of myself. (pats self on back!)

I have another even major and exciting change.  I have muscle in my arm!!!  I have always been very weak in my upper body.  My legs are super strong from years of riding horses, but I have never, ever had arm muscles.  About a week ago, I started adding a few arm strengthing exercises.  I would never have imagined that they would have worked so quickly if I didn’t see it and feel it for myself.  I had to show hubby.  Although he thought I was a little crazy, he agreed that you could definetly see the beginnings of little peanut muscles in my arms.

I’m not buff, don’t get me wrong.  But you can actually see the muscle change the shape of my arm when I flex it!!!  Under that layer of fat is a newly formed arm muscle!  I want sexy arms so bad.  This has just encouraged me to keep up those arm exercises even more.

Changes are taking place in my house!!!  I couldn’t be happier. 

Now, if the laundry could somehow manage to get done without me involved…..

A few months ago, I made a deal with my sweet hubby that the next time he won any money at the casino I would get to buy a new lens for my camera.  I thought this was a sure bet because that man is the luckiest man I know.  He normally wins every time he walks in the door.  And I’m not talking about 40 or 50 dollars.   Well, he went on a losing streak then quit going altogether. 

Friday night, he decided to go to the casino for a little bit.  It’s only 30 min from our house.  At 2:00 am I finally went to sleep, worried about him but exhausted.  When I woke up yesterday, he informed me that I could order my lens!!!!  He won $600 which was exactly what I needed for the lens I wanted.

 Well, being my cheapskate self, I decided that was just to much money to spend on a lens. Guess what,  he ordered it anyway!!!  I will have my new lens in about a week.  So as much as I bitch about him, he is a really good man. 

This is a picture I took of our hands in december.  I was trying out making my own apeture mask.  Those hearts are not photoshopped in.  They are the caused by christmas lights hanging in the background with a heart shaped cut-out over the front of my lens. 

Today we went to play golf.  I have only played one time in my life ever.  I really suck!!!  Hubby says I played the equivalent of 90holes because it takes me so many swings to actually hit the ball!!  I just keep looking at it as a good workout.  My arms are already sore.  My legs are getting there.  I refused to ride in the cart.  I tried to talk him out of getting one because it would be great exercise, but no go.  Suprisingly, my 9 year old daughter was pretty good.  She didn’t hit the ball far, but it was straight everytime.  And honestly, she hit it almost as far as me!

I also thought you guys might like to see a picture of my little family.  I took this before christmas to use on our card. 

Okay, I am not losing my motivation or anything, but I really need to vent.  When I mention this to my husband he just laughs.

I don’t understand why I have to work twice as hard as he does to lose weight.  I mean, my logical brain does know and understand all the reasons but my heart doesn’t.  And it pisses me off.  I work out 5 or 6 days a week.  Plus, my job is pretty active.  I’m a teacher so I walk all day long while I teach.  I may sit down 2 min out of every class period.  Then when I get home from work, I cook, straighten the house, do laundry, by the time I actually get to sit down it’s normally 7:30 or 8:00.  What is my darling hubby doing all this time?  Sitting on his ass playing on the computer.

I really don’t have any trouble eating healthy and other than two cheat days, I have stuck to my plan really well for the last month.  I have lost 10-11 lbs.  I am proud of myself!!  But my hubby eats out several times a week for lunch, once a week for dinner, and never moves his lazy bum.  Why, ohhh Why does the weight just seem to melt off of him and I struggle so much? 

Is it normal for me to resent his weightloss?  Shouldn’t I be happy for him?  Why can’t I be happy for him?  It makes me so bitchy toward him.  Everything he says I want to snap his head off.  Bless his heart he can’t do anything right as far as I’m concerned.  He has no idea what is going on, but I do.  I’m pissed because he is just breezing through losing weight and I am struggling. 

Last night, I had just got off my treadmill and was logging on to buddyslim for my accountability when he said he was going to play a game on his computer.  I said “Why don’t you walk a little on the treadmill instead?”  He actually laughed at me.  He said, “I don’t need to.” 

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT!!!????  It’s like he was rubbing my nose in it.  “Ha, ha, ha.  I can lose weight better than you.”  (He didn’t say that, but that’s what I heard)

A few days ago, he had bought some fig newtons.  Now, I knew that they were pretty low fat but kinda high calorie.  So I ask him to check the calorie count for me because I had ate two for a snack earlier.  They were 60 calories each and he had ate a full sleeve of them while playing on his computer.  That’s 14 fig newtons.  He inhaled 840 calories as a snack.  I just had to laugh.  I guess I’m evil.

I just wanted to let you guys know that hubby is fine.  It’s the strangest thing ever.  His fever had gotten up to about 104.5, which is why I was so concerned and ready to go to the ER.  From what I understand, high fever in adults can be very dangerous.

I’m not a big panicy person, but like I said we spent a week in the hospital last year for something that he ignored.  And the entire time the doctors were saying they had never seen anything like it. 

Anyway, he woke up after I finished my blog last night and wanted something to drink.  He drank one glass and went back to sleep.  This morning, he doesn’t have any fever or pain in his side.  he is pretty weak, but that is probably from not eating any yesterday.  I’m wondering if he didn’t have a kidney stone that passed during the nite.  My dad has suffered from kidney stones several times and his syptoms were similar but not exactly the same.

I don’t have much time now, but I will be back later to read blogs and comment!  Thanks to everyone for your support!!!  I love you guys soooo much.  I can’t believe I’ve only “known” you a month.  You are GOOD PEOPLE!

The Good:  Today was so beautiful.  I got all my laundry done and put away.  I played some basketball and rode bikes with my daughter.  And I walked outside instead of on the treadmill.

 The Bad:  My hubby is sick.  I’m not sure whats wrong with him.  He is running a really high fever and has slept all day.  I’m really worried about him; worried enough that I want to take him to the ER.  But he won’t agree and I can’t physically force him too.  He told me this morning he had a pain in his left lower abdomin.  He hasn’t ate anything today and only drank one glass of water.  I don’t know what to do.  The last time he ignored something health wise was about a year ago and we wound up staying in the hospital for a week.  You would think he would learn.  But he is such a MAN!!  If he is still like this tomorrow, I’m going to insist on going to the ER.

The Ugly:  I was sorta absent from buddyslim last week.  I did get on and read and I made a few comments.  But I didn’t blog.  I had a bit of a setback in motivation last week.  I have lost 11 pounds.  Which at first was really exciting.  Then I looked in the mirror and thought, “Eleven pounds and you can’t even tell.  I’m working my ass off for nothing.  I’m never going to reach my goal.  I’m never going to get all this weight off.”  Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t stop.  I didn’t change my plan.  I just lost my motivation.  I continued to eat healthy and workout, I just didn’t feel good about myself. 

I am always commenting on someones blog that they can do it,  ignore the scale, this is a journey.  All those things that I really honestly believe.  but last week, the journey got to me.  All I could think was, I still have 70 lbs to reach my goal.  My pants really are not fitting any looser. 

Then I did one of the worst things that I could have done.  I bought a new scale.  My old scale is really hard to read.  It is the dial kind with 20 lb increments with little tiny hash marks between the 20 lbs.  I new it was probably off a little, but I wanted to be able to actually see what the real number is so I bought a digital scale.  Well, it weighs me 3 lbs. heavier.  Even though I gave my self the pep talk, “It doesn’t change that you have lost those pounds,” it still got to me.

Add to that TOM showing up, late but with his full crew in tow.  Bloating, cramps, bitchiness, emotional crying, and MAJOR WATER RETENTION!!!  I don’t think I have ever weighed myself during one of TOM’s visits.  I gained 3 lbs. overnight!!  Talk about being upset!!

Normally, the number on the scale does not stress me.  I do weigh most days, but it’s just that I need to see that number to keep me remembering why i’m doing what I’m doing.  But this last week, that number got to me.  And the fact that my clothes are not fitting looser yet.  Not that I can expect them too.  It’s just that I feel so different inside.  I feel healthier, stronger, more resilent.  I want the exterior to show those changes. 

I’m glad I stuck to my plan.  I kept moving my fat butt and eating healthy choices.  My ugly attitude didn’t set me back physically at all.  And I know that the changes will come.  I’ve got it back together now. 

I just want to remind everyone that there will be days when you will be unmotivated.  Days when you will be tired of fighting this fight.  Days when you just want to give up because you are not seeing the results.  DON’T DO IT!!  Stick with it.  Your body will catch up.  You are becoming healthier, stronger, a better you!  No matter what the scale says!!